媽每做一次化療，都要從彰化坐巴士北上。前幾次塔克會陪他來，一打完兩人就立刻趕回家。中間那幾劑，實在太折騰人，媽只好去住汽車旅館，即便如此，大多期間媽都還是靠她自己一人。她覺得要挺過來，自己就不能輸，後援不是24小時都備著的，要時時刻刻能自己應付，否則這場仗就打不久。
在這過程裡，我記憶很深刻的一幕是，某個星期六我回彰化看媽，她要我為她買一條鱸魚。鱸魚要放在鍋子裡瀝它整整三小時，最後只取那一碗精華的湯喝。媽那時每天只喝魚湯，她嚥的每一口，都極痛苦，一碗湯要折磨她近二個小時。有一次我看不下去了，要媽別喝了，她說不喝就沒體力，一旦放棄前面的痛苦不就都白忍了？媽就是這樣一口一口撐過來的，忍過這段煎熬後，最後那兩劑，媽完全又恢復單打獨鬥的本能，全程採「全自助方式」又開始自己北上化療、自己坐車回彰化，並且完全不跟我們知會一聲。根據媽的說法，那時的她已經對痛有免疫力了。
很多病患其實在罹癌後，會開始游離在到底是用中醫方式治療，還是聽從西醫好。我由哈露身上得到的學習是，用直覺「相信你該相信的人」。你覺得哪個醫生對你比較了解，你就盡量找他，並且跟他全力配合。當然你一定要讓醫生知道你能做什麼？不能做什麼？病患要有自主意識，更重要的是擁抱「正向的力量」，拒絕病毒入侵身體，自身的正面能量越強，所產生的抵抗力就越強。做為病患的家屬之一，我們親身感受那種「全體動員的正面力量」是多麼強大的一劑良帖。癌細胞最駭怕的就是病患視死拔除「腫瘤」的決心；定期的追蹤檢查，加上勇氣與毅力，你因恨而產生的強大力量，能讓你把癌細胞驅逐到乾乾淨淨。
我也有一種理論，是我多年服務於「健康醫療」產業中，自己慢慢體會出的心得。我相信細胞是有記憶體的，他會因你的作息而改變自身體質。好比小感冒就吃藥，身體的細胞就會被你寵壞，他就懶得「自己加油」。你的抵抗力就越變越差。一旦你在對的時間裡餵給他「正向的元素」（食物、運動、睡眠等等..），細胞會永遠就記住這個美好狀況，回送給你的也會是「正向的回饋」。始終保持正面思考的人，細胞就會是個快樂的細胞，他就會生出也是健康的細胞寶寶。好的正向力量也會有傳染力，你可以感受接獲那種力量，是多麼美好的一件事。
前一陣子看了改編自ABBA合唱團的「媽媽咪呀」。想起這團體還是我當年瘋狂沉迷的偶像呢！電影裡有一首很動聽的歌叫「OUR LAST SUMMER」（我們的最後夏天）。詞意無限美好，卻是我想送給世間所有受過化療的病患的一首歌。只有他們知道，什麼叫做過著水深火熱的日子。
那一年的七月炎夏，就在媽的第四劑化療後，也是一般病人瀕臨崩潰狀態的那個周期的盛夏午后，她突然偷偷外出，搞失蹤了一下午的哈露回到家來，我正在櫥房燉鱸湯，哈露頂著一頂黑假髮，她自照著鏡子問我：「喂！好不好看」。那是一幅幸福的風景。我站在廚房的一角，望著美麗的哈露，至今難忘。我們最炎熱的夏天，就要過去了。
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yuaynnqZmxo&feature=related（our last summer）
發表文章
我完全相信你所說的
回覆刪除「正向的力量」，那種
「全體動員的正面力量」
是多麼強大的一劑良帖。
一定要吃得下!
一定要試著睡!
一定要動一動!
源自於本身內心的無比的鬥志,
才是打敗疾病的最佳良方!
當然
回覆刪除盡力配合你所相信的醫師,
也是必要的.
Dear Akae,
回覆刪除This is the best part of your article. Why? Because you have described the agony, the trust, the fear, and the love of one tough cancer survivor’s behavior; I want to commend you for writing such an intricate description of Halu’s cancer treatment and I would also like to share my own experience of breast cancer. I hope as a loyal reader, you don’t mind me writing a longer post this time.
When I was diagnosed with breast cancer 5 years ago, I was in shock! Like Halu, I didn’t have anyone escorting me to the doctor’s office. When he announced that news, I was beyond devastation. Why me? How can it be me? Why did I do to deserve this? I must not pray enough to Buddha!!! This is must be my punishment for my mistakes, how can this be?
Like Halu, I thought about Jeffrey right away. What is he going to do without me? Mastectomy was scheduled right away, and I had to decide what to do quickly. The doctor needs to schedule a plastic surgeon if I choose to have reconstruction done on my breast. I contemplated on the choices I have because after all, I am a wife and even though my kids are grown up, I would need my breast to look pretty for my husband. (Especially my husband who is so Chinese), so I thought. Every night when I couldn’t sleep; I would stay up googling some pictures of breast cancer woman without breasts; hiding my fears of losing my breast, secretly hoping for the worst to happen to me. Like to die on the surgery table so that I wouldn’t have to face the image of not being a perfect woman to look at…...and Jeffrey would get the mal practice money from the procedure, he would be rich to care for Katie and Kevin ...….that was my plan.
My husband over heard a conversation I had with my doctor discussing the reconstruction procedure. Each time I would try to hold my tears, I didn't want to cry infront of my love ones. First time in my life I was stumbling to a humongous problem that I couldn’t repair. I felt lost and confused. Jeffrey quickly turned to me and said “Wanda, you need to love yourself first and live your life. Please do not think that you need to please me just because I am your husband, you will always be a very beautiful woman.” And with that statement, I was able to pick up where I had left off, and proceed with my decision. No reconstruction, no implant, no water balloon to insert after my mastectomy. What a relief! We have been married for 28 years and counting…to have my other ½ always loving me so dearly…. Like Taket had said once when he visited us in the US some 35 years ago, he said a couple is not about love; as we grow older, it is more like a companionship, a partner in life. I still remember his voice ringing behind my ears….
I didn’t have chemo or radiation for my cancer treatment. This cancer was so aggressive that the doctor had also scheduled a total hysterectomy 10 months after my mastectomy. I was on Tamoxifen for the past 5 years. Today, I couldn’t be happier in life. I am cancer free and I love life in general. I count on my blessings every day. I love to go travel with Jeffrey and I am going to be a grandma in less than 1 month..... life is good to me.
It is all about the attitude in one’s life, courage to live and move forward. Treat cancer as a hurdle in life, and usually with the advanced medicine today everything is curable. I do breast cancer walks, I do speeches on self examination of woman’s breast, and I crochet and make pink ribbons so that I can help other woman to fight with this disease. 2007 in October (breast cancer month) we were visiting Taipei 101, guess what I saw? I saw a young actress/singer promoting “Estee Larder Pink Ribbons” for women with breast cancer to raise money for an organization in Taiwan. At that moment, I had tears in my eyes, I had to walk away………..but my heart was so warm…..A Taiwanese young woman is doing a good deed.
To all reader, please keep in mind, even though any cancer treatment can be cruel and painful, the drive to live keeps cancer survivors going and going and going……..
Wanda
You know why 大ㄟAkae's blog is so charming ?
回覆刪除It's because not only Akae's writing is compelling , the comments which responded to this blog are also gripping ~
Wanda , did you come from 精中, too ?
To 河東大哥
回覆刪除您的用心良苦,我收到了,你點撥我的那幾招我還會看不出來嗎?
還是謝謝您啦
TO 河東's 同學 林大姐頭
我把wanda的文章貼出來了,她不是精中的,是我的堂姐,年齡比您小一些,但也快當阿嬤了,同您一樣已進昇為阿姨級人物.您們的進度都好快喔
同您一樣已進昇為阿姨級人物.您們的進度都好快喔
回覆刪除Maybe not we're too fast( you ask Wanda ), maybe it's you are too slow ~
賴著不長大 , 是罷 ~
Joking , don't keep in mind.
Aunty Lin,
回覆刪除You must forgive my cousin Akae, he is trying to say that we are both very young grandmas....he is probably quite jealous that he has a lot to catch up with us.
Although I hope in his heart he was trying to say that we are still very young and beautiful, full of life. Even though he is younger than us, he still shows high respect for us. I think he is a good guy, what do you think?
Wanda
Teacher Wang is the one who is liked by so many pupils, 好竹出好筍 so what does Wanda think Akae is ?
回覆刪除I've been in the westerns' circle ( American and Canadian) , I probably know what you meant and why you said something like " must forgive my cousin Akae "
But it's really nothing to bother to forgive or to be forgiven , I think.
Concept of Chinese ( Taiwanese ) culture and western culture towards addressing people differs a little bit. Being called uncle or auntie sometimes do not bother people too much ( 跟著孩子稱呼嘛 )
Meanwhile, Teacher Wang is ㄚ沙力 漢子個性的, so as Akae , I think.
Akae once asked me if I was one of his Dad's 乾女兒 ,I told him Teacher Wang is not old enough to be my father and I am too old to be his daughter !
Wanda, you must be good at both Espanio and English. Good for you.
correction:
回覆刪除Westerners' circle
認同！阿丹我完全認同你所謂的正向能量，
回覆刪除就像我自己給自己的意念也都是朝著正向思考；
我都還記得好幾年前的一則新聞，
也是報導著所謂正面思考的議題，
彷彿只要持著正面信念就能扭轉情勢！
不管事實為何，至少我是相信這樣的信念！
阿鎧：
回覆刪除上週，我在台大病房告訴我媽哈露的故事。我媽顯得很難過，我知道她在難過什麼。
一直以來，媽都是堅強好勝的，但於對於自己無法讀書識字的事情，深深成為她隱藏在心中的自卑，我想她一定很羨慕哈露能為自己決定醫生，而不像她，是依個無知無識的女人，不懂得癌症這樣大條的事情。
我媽是很擔心西藥的，從小我們拔牙靠的是縫衣線和門把、感冒了灌濃鹽水，發燒靠冰枕，但現再她身體裡注射了一大堆讓她自覺越來越不對勁的藥，恐懼越來越深。
那天下午，說好隔天出院的，卻又送來一張手術同意書，說要裝置人工血管，未來化療所需。我媽臉色都白了，訥訥地說：歐，那...就作...，我替她找來主治醫生，請醫生詳盡地說明媽媽所要面對的療程，並鼓勵媽媽把自己的疑慮提出來，醫生應該也會好好的回答。我告訴我媽：「遇到這種事情，就算是讀到大學的我也不懂，既然不懂就問清楚，關心自己的身體並不可恥。」我想，那是我媽罹癌以來第一次向醫生問了那麼多問題，並說出心中的感受。
我告訴我媽：哈露值得欽佩的地方不是她的專業背景，而是她面臨這麼大的威脅，還是決定為自己的生命作主。就這樣的堅強，我認為我的媽媽絕對不會輸給哈露。
現在，我媽有了新的決定，她拒絕了人工血管的手術，而決定看中醫。我知道這是很多癌症病患有過的歷程，不過，我很高興這是我媽第一次有了自己的決定。
我想藉由阿鎧這個版面跟大家分享我的認識：罹癌的初期，無論是患者或是家屬，都會陷入很大的震驚與恐慌之中，請大家給自己或患者多一點時間，好好決定這件生命中的事件。不要催逼當事人，在恐慌的情緒下接受治療。生命的價值不僅是活下去，如何讓活著的每一日奮鬥具有價值，也是很重要的事。
阿紅
阿紅,
回覆刪除It is so hard to accept the diagnose of any type of cancer. As a survivor I can relate to your mother's reaction. "knowledge is power", Before my surgery, my best friend sent me 8 books to read up, and I read them. To boost myself quickly to understand my disease.
As her child, you can be supportive in your own ways. Don't overwhelm her with too much information; but by seeing her, keep in touch with her and talk to her can be a great comfort for her. Simply be there for her. A little phone call, get together is mostly what a parent loves to hear from their child.
You cannot take away her pain, but you can encourage her to stay healthy and fight the cancer away. Often, we as cancer survivors do not ask for sympathy, we only ask for staying in touch. You know what? I remember when I was in the hosptial, there was a friend of mine that didn't know how to comfort me. Instead, she sent me a card every day for seven days. That was so thoughtful of her.
Keep telling your mother how much you care for her.
Wawnda